I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
