I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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