Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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