What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
