my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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