drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
