tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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