I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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