I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
