i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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