I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
