I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
