my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
