1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
