I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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