Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
