Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
