I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
