he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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