Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So many bounce houses so little time
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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