I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
