Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
