Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
