I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
