my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
