Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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