I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
