We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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