Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
