Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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