There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
