Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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