Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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