I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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