i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
