Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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