i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
