after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
