May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
