so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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