Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
