you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
