I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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