how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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