Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
