You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Randomize
