I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
i think i just lost a toe
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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