Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
