My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
