i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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