capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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